I was very young when I first questioned God’s love. I was only eight when I had a taste of how real life works - that in real life something precious to you will be taken away from you early or late in life, whether you like it or not. I was molested by a man, and just like that my dignity was taken away from me. Until now, I still have the memory of me in the bathroom trying to scrub the filth off my body, crying hopelessly. I thought then, how can a loving God allow this to happen to me?
From that experience, I made two conclusions. First was that there is no more point in trying to live a righteous life. And second was that I will never tell anyone about what happened; that as long as nobody knows about this I’ll be okay. This then led me to conclude that I can do anything and as long as nobody knows… it will be okay.
I followed the footsteps of my Dad and entered medical school. I went through med school excelling both in sports and in my studies, and finished off as president of the interns in a prestigious hospital. At this point I should’ve recognized the symptoms. The most dangerous of which that I could carry things all on my own. I started to believe that I was a Self-made man. I had a bright future ahead of me and it all rested on me.
After a few years of practicing cosmetic medicine, showbiz started knocking on my door, with promises of my rise to fame and money. I got into showbiz and the rest is history. I had too much too soon of all the forms of success as the world defines it - fame, wealth, influence, pleasures, sex. After that: drugs, infidelity, and other awful activities only a man perverted in his thinking would do.
In December of 2008, my own best friends conspired to expose my double life to the public. I was horrified. The “ideal man” image I carefully cultivated for years would be shattered. I was too afraid to witness what was going to happen, so I decided it was better for me to “opt out” of life. I swallowed a very lethal dose of 30 tabs of Valium, sent my goodbye messages, and closed my eyes.
I woke up from a coma after three days and found myself in a rehab with psychiatric patients. My 3-week stay there helped me to rethink my life.
But in May of 2009, I received a call from a stranger asking for P4M in order to stop the release of shameful videos of me with other celebrities. I didn't give in to their demands. On my birthday, May 20, 2009, the videos were released - a very cruel birthday present for me. The videos went viral and everyone feasted on it. It became the banner headline in TV news, radio, newspapers, blogs, and other social media networks. I was dragged to the senate hall for a very public hearing, where a former police poured water in my head before the hearing even started in order to humiliate me. The Board of Medicine, also under pressure to act, revoked my license to practice medicine. The fraternity I served for years prepared the papers for my ousting. I was declared persona non-grata in several provinces. Many other things happened but really the most painful of all was that almost all of my so-called “friends” abandoned me.
Hopeless and defeated, I attempted to end my life again by swallowing almost three dozen of the drug “ecstasy”. People found me and rushed me to the nearest hospital. After exhaustive tests, everything was normal.
I thought to myself that there must be something or someone out there who’s over my life. I began my spiritual search, but not with the Bible. Instead, I devoured books on psychology and spirituality.
One day, I received a call from a friend inviting me to an evening talk with an Indian-Canadian evangelist. I went to the talk. I felt out of place. After dinner, the guest speaker gave an extemporaneous message that resonated with me powerfully. I ended up raising my hand at the end of the talk and committed my life to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Shortly after, I started coming to CCF and joined a small group.
As I grow in my relationship with Jesus, He gives me victory over sin and hope for what He’s got in store for me. And as I carry on with my pilgrimage, I will no longer be troubled by my past, and definitely will not worry about my future; because as Paul would put it, “it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me” (Gal.2:20)
My name is Hayden Kho, Jr - once lost, but now found by Him, our loving God who confirms, strengthens, restores, and makes things new.
Written by Bizchum
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